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April 17th, 2007
10:59 pm - Miss
I miss the friends I don't talk to anymore. Wonder if any of you still read this?
I haven't made the effort to be in touch, but do i have the right to if i made the effort to push you away?
Whatever it is... i made the bed, now i gotta sleep in it.
Wishing you the very best
~L
Current Music: Keane - Atlantic
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October 25th, 2006
04:10 am - Unstable
Back and forth like a pendulum.
Up and down.
Where does one find stability? Is it wrapped in a sense of purpose, comfort or certainty?
Current Mood:  pensive
Current Music: Angra
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October 11th, 2006
11:22 am - Better days
Dear LiveJournal,
[Note: this may not make sense if you have read my previous post from the 9th]
Yesterday was a far better day than the previous. Attitude was part of that, definately. I went to bed angry and frustrated and depressed, but I chose not to carry that to the next day - and it worked wonders.
The day ended up with a change of scenery and some more photography in the morning. Some mail which needed sending got sent (and about time, too - I haven't not had much luck finding a post office here). I had a good lunch, read several chapters of my book (Imajica by Clive Barker).
On the whole, positive. Today has been a veeeeery late morning for me to wake up (almost noon!), but all the same this looks like a good afternoon to be awake for.
Time to go and enjoy it.
~Shewbie
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Pink Floyd
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October 9th, 2006
10:08 am - The whole fucking point is...?
Get up, make no difference, go to sleep.
Inconsequential actions on inconsequential days. Best intentions slip by unnoticed, every failure is seized. Best laid plans go to shit and all that.
Some days just aren't worth the effort put into them.
Chin up for tomorrow. Find some motivation.
Current Mood:  melancholy
Current Music: Neverending White Lights - The Grace
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September 22nd, 2006
10:43 am - Out of the house
Dear LiveJournal,
I have been out of the house most of the time lately - yet somehow, I am still finding the time to write this short update!
Things are good in general. Probably even great in general. Getting up and away from the computer has been very productive and revitalising for me. I am trying new things, enjoying the outdoors, getting some exercise, socialising more and, importantly, relaxing. Fear and apprehension are reducing in favour of confidence and comfort - this is a good thing as it becomes much easier to enjoy life when one is able to let go of the need to control things.
Observations on control
It takes a lot of responsibility to be in control of something. So much responsibility that it becomes hard to relax - there is always something to keep an eye on because everything changes despite our best intentions. Letting go of the desire to control everything allows us to pay more attention to the things we ought to be in control of - such as our own behaviour or actions (particularly towards our environment or others).
I learned an interesting theory (in a management class) about spheres of influence. Firstly, there is an immediate sphere of influence, where we have autonomous control. This comprises of our self and some parts of our immediate environment. Next there is an outer sphere of influence, in which somebody is able to coerce something, but others may also influence what happens. You may put a book onto a shelf, which somebody else may later take down - you have some influence on where the book goes, but it is not exclusive. Finally is the area outside, where we have no influence. This includes things such as the weather or the economy. Yes, you can face to the wind and blow in an attempt to slow it down, or you can trade on the stock market - but the net effect of what you're doing doesn't predictably or reliably change the weather or the economy.
Trying to control the behaviour of other people is the most taxing, because other people have their own free will. How can you control something that at a basic level is designed to be in control of itself, and is capable of the most unpredictable, cognitive responses? It's difficult. It's very difficult. Without resorting to some sort of psychological torture or extreme social conditioning, it's impossible. Why would somebody want to waste their time trying? I'll never understand.
Enough of a blah-blah about that :)
Lesson for the day:
Let go, have faith. Control what you need to, not what you think you need to.
Cheers!
~Shewbie
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September 13th, 2006
08:07 pm - Insert appropriately witty title
I can not think of an appropriately succinct title to summarise the return and hopefully continuation of this blog.
What happened, you may be asking?
I got a big case of the CBF's. If that doesn't make sense, I just didn't make any time to update the journal. Didn't think much on anything I'd like to write about, just didn't do it. That's what happened. Lame answer? Yes.
So what's happening now?
Well, the time seems right now to start writing things down again. Aside from being a creative outlet, this LJ thing potentially lets me share ideas with a whole bunch of people without having to repeat myself. It's not that I am particularly busy, and certainly not that none of you are worth my time. Taking a philosophy based on making the most of my time, why spend it all talking about what happened in the past when it can be used to make new experiences in the present, or plan for the future? The past has happened already. Remember it, learn from it but don't spend all your time in it.
Employment status is currently un. There are a couple of good prospects out there for me at the moment if I wish to return to the exciting world of animation.
Of course, all of this animation work relies on me getting my demo reel cut and polished up. At this point, I am really kicking myself for the good work which I left behind at my previous employer. I am confident that I'll have no worries retrieving past work - it is a hassle, for me and more so for the guys working there now to have me dancing around the server looking for my left behind work :)
Study options are also occurring to me at a furious rate of knots. Current interests include continuing a strain of engineering, shifting over into something more IT based (such as networking or software), a deep interest in psychology, a growing interest in management, a strong base for mathematics or even moving back towards my passion for language and cultural studies (which I had previously applied and been accepted to university for).
Some very interesting job opportunities may come out of that last one, in face, but this is neither the time nor the place to write about them.
A lot of my spare time lately has been going towards personal development. Trying to sort out ones understanding of life can be an arduous but important task. It's really easy to overlook, unfortunately. It's easy to say "ah there's nothing wrong with me".
How many jerks do you meet or observe in a week or a day? If some jerk thinks he's not doing anything wrong, he's going to keep being a jerk. If he decides to admit he's a jerk, address why he's a jerk, and change his jerky behaviour, he can stop being a jerk. Personal development doesn't just affect the self, it affects all manner of relationships around that person.
Well that's enough crazy ranting from me. Expect more in the future though - I am really loving some of these ideas!
Props out to Tyler for getting me in the writing mood again. Champion!
~Shewbie
Current Location: Australia
Current Mood:  sleepy
Current Music: nothing at the moment - surprised?
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January 29th, 2006
10:10 am - Holidays
Hello world!
Here's the Christmas break update - more than a month after Christmas, granted, but I am still on holiday. The engineering course resumes in about a month. I hope my diligence is sufficient to provide at least one more journal update before then.
As much as I am not into the "New Year Resolution" thing, I have realised that I need to improve my personal levels of discipline. Really, I am holding myself back, reasoning that I have little motivation. Motivation IS a problem for me (and always has been) - but I think I have only recently realised that this is something I have power over.
Motivation is NOT an external limitation over which I have no influence. Motivation springs internally. I believe that if I can improve my self discipline, I will be able to overcome many of the smaller motivational hurdles which set me back.
Motivation aside, discipline itself is valuable. It will benefit my studies to no end, and set up good habits which I can carry with me for a lifetime. I suppose that a good place to go back to would be Covey's 7 Habits.
(CAUTION: the following content may disturb some people) Another place to start may be the chapters on motivation in my management textbook, which keys some good ideas on human behaviour and understanding, even if it comes with a business slant.
I am preparing for a tough second semester at school this year. I aim to have the discipline to study when I need to, and begin assignments early (rather than the second-to-last minute trap which is so easy to fall into).
That's it for now
Happy New Year (closer to Happy Chinese New Year, now)
Current Mood: contemplative
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December 8th, 2005
12:48 pm - End of exams
It has been longer than I thought since the last update, much longer! Exams have concluded for the year, and I have one remaining project to hand in tomorrow.
With the next few months free of school, I have plenty of available options, and several odd jobs to take care of. A bit of work over the christmas period is the big goal :) There is no shortage of gardening to be done, and hopefully the weather will suitable for being outdoors.
A bit hungry to put down too many details just now. Time for lunch!
Current Mood:  excited
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November 3rd, 2005
08:29 pm - The update
Hello world!
This is a rather small update - I am low on energy due to several weeks of heavy schoolwork - assignments and whatnot. I have been contemplating very deeply some of the implication of stress due to being overworked.
I find myself motivated to do "enough to get by", instead of "the best i can do". This is depressing - i don't believe in doing a half-arsed job of anything.
If I am not satisfied with the work i am doing, how can I accept the associated behaviour? In other words, how can a person have self satisfaction if they are not satisfied with their own behaviour? Ultimately, how can we be self accepting if our behaviour is not acceptable?
Incidentally, there is a very interesting documentary on television about anger at the moment. Of two interesting cases, one was a man who would become overwhelmed with almost inhuman, primitive rage. The next was a man who was always angry, irrited is perhaps a better word - finicky about everything. As i understand it, these constant negative feelings have a huge impact on health in general.
Plenty of incomplete thoughts presented here - incomplete because I haven't finished thinking them yet!
There is therapy in writing in this journal. I suppose it lets the brain dump out some of the excess information instead of bottling it in (brain must be full). I wrote a great email to one of my tutors earlier, too, about some of our course work and the associated stress. Feels good to get it off my chest :)
Enough from me for now. random thoughts end here!
Current Mood: exhausted
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September 22nd, 2005
08:35 pm - Snow day
On Monday 19th Sept, we had snow. Rather surprising in spring, since the winter season yielded poor snowfall in the mountains, and none down here at sea level.
I have put up a whole heap of snow day pics over on Flickr.
This is the most snow I've ever personally seen in one place, which doesn't say much really - Australia isn't exactly renowned for snowfall.
Tech got closed down and we were all sent home in the snow!
Thank goodness for 4WD - really seemed to hold on quite nicely. I should mention that I have never driven in the snow before :) I managed to hit nothing - and luckily didn't get hit by anything >_<
There is still snow on the Port Hills to the south today.
Snow is fun. Dogs eat snow if you throw it in the air.
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Snow Patrol - Run
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shewbie's journal